When you're the only lifeguard on duty
Summer is two days away. Yet today I chose myself and I drained the pool in the backyard
Since I first got that thing I've been singlehandedly catering to its every need Filtering, skimming, treating with chlorine, covering I invite neighboring kids too, because Why shouldn't everyone enjoy the pool? I go to lengths making sure everyone has adequate sunscreen and hydration There seems to be no end to the amount of snacks I feel the need to supply Even though I dream of reading or dosing off beneath a warm sun There is surely no rest for me when I am the only lifeguard on duty So, I finally chose myself and drained the pool Barefoot in the kitchen I let myself be lost Measuring flour and sugar Mixing together milk, butter and eggs Shaping mini donuts while the kids tasted sweet dough They pinched piece after piece for their play restaurant I chose myself when I didn't mind the small mischief Instead, I relished in the moment It was like I could see twenty years into the future My girls remembering the day when I let flour "dust" sit on the countertops unbothered And love was the smell of our home bakery Today, I chose myself when I quit obsessing Over the fact that I wanted dinner to include vegetables And for the second day in a row I made hot dogs with all the fixings I let my girls bathe with warm water and lavender scents Later, at the first sign of sunset in our dimly lit kitchen They filled up their water cups with ice And we shared in the excitement That after two years, our refrigerator was finally making ice We said goodnight to it And thanked it for working so hard today I didn't make the kids brush their teeth before bed tonight I still thought about this oversight whilst snuggled in bed with them But I let the thought linger away I didn't dare ask anyone to correct this mistake I still made them pick up their toys, because I am choosing myself, after all And choosing oneself sometimes means You are not the good guy Sitting on the rocking chair in my girls' room Waiting for the littlest one to fall asleep I chose myself and did the unthinkable I turned my phone on hoping her eyes wouldn't catch the light When she asked me for cuddles I took a deep breath and asked her to come to me She climbed onto my rocking thighs Cocooned herself into the shape of me Still, she didn't fall asleep I chose myself when I carried her back to bed I gave more love Then I realized, I needed it too Today, I chose myself when I forgave my brother Silently, without overthinking it After our last argument I thought we might not recover easily this time But he's been calling I've been answering Pretending we didn't argue Even after so much was said Slowly, returning to the mundane A little because I've never befriended confrontation willingly But also because I fear resetting the clock In a counterclockwise direction Sending us back into that very first moment Of brokenness Most importantly, I forgave because We are family After all, ... It was my brother who showed up more than once To protect Today, I chose myself when In place of losing myself in front of a screen at night I showered I brewed sleepy time tea And I sat down to write Amid the rumbling sound of the refrigerator All the while aware That there is a daily rhythm to choosing myself When I'm the only lifeguard on duty